Cancer, if we’re honest most of us think things like cancer happen to other families, not yours – right? That is unless we’ve already heard it in connection with the name of a family member.
A young mother heard cancer mentioned with her name, but we all were sure she would be ok – after all she was a young, Christian mother who had even spent time on the mission field. The Lord used her cancer to expose my secret thoughts. In my heart I was heard to say, “Young mothers don’t die of cancer, especially young Christian mothers.” It was there I found my security, not in the Lord.
This young Christian mother did die of cancer. Her youngest child was six months old. I could no longer hide my thoughts and my idol tumbled, useless to the ground.
My faith was shaken. I had to turn from my idol to the Lord, and trust Him to take me through – even if the unthinkable happened to me.
Not long after that I heard the “C” word again. This time it was mentioned with my sixteen month old son Eric’s name. I spent the night before the test pleading with the Lord – begging Him not to ask me to walk through this. It seemed unthinkable to ask my baby son and our family to go through this.
But the Lord did ask it of me, of us, and we did it. I did it with a lot of anger at God. A lot of whys. A lot of doubt about God’s goodness and faithfulness. I knew the world was watching to see how a “Christian” would go through this, my family – even my Christian friends were all watching. I felt like a failure. But we made it and Eric lived. Each year I hold my breath as he is tested and release it when he remains cancer free.
Recently I heard my name connected with the “C” word. The call came during my quiet time. As I listened to the words, “Come in for additional testing.” I thought my heart had stopped. I hung up and my first thoughts were Mary’s words from Scripture, “And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word. And the angel departed from her.” Luke 1:38 KJV
Are you asking me to say that? Yes, He was, surrender, He was asking me to surrender it to Him. Not to fight like the last time. And so I did. I repeated Mary’s words and they became my words of surrender.
Peace, tears, sleep, these were mine as we waited for the appointed time for more tests. Could I really be brave? I’m not brave, I don’t suffer well, and I’m a wimp when it comes to pain. But mostly there was peace.
Benign cyst – have there ever been more beautiful words?
Joy, release. Not this time. Thank you Lord. But…I must continue to walk in my commitment of surrender, “Be it unto me according to your word.”
Now for a couple of the great posts I enjoyed this week:
Comparisons Stink was a devotional on Proverbs 31
Adult Daughters at Home and the Homemaking Profession at Raising Homemakers was encouraging
Finding Joy in the Journey,
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